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                          KEEPING SHOW BIZ QUIET
                                           Karyl Miller

  Despite the recession, I recently heard 96% of all film school
smuglets were gainfully employed in The Biz, less than an hour after
graduation. They're all over my lot, all wearing black, like

  I wonder how The Industry will accommodate this ever-widening
influx of cinemaniacs semester after semester? Had Lucus, Redford
and others of their ilk considered this before they dumped their tax
free-dollars into teaching the art of TV and movies?

  I wanted a player's POV on the future film makers scene, so
I auto-dialed my high-powered agent. As usual, he couldn't take my
call, but Cindi, his most-Brooklyn assistant, gave me her insights.
"My boss got frostbite on his telephone ear, standing in the
freezing snow at the 'Fercockta, South Dakota Film Fest,' just to
have a brewski with the latest bratski! This whole town thinks
these know-nothings know something, so they're kissing their
tattooed tushes! The agency lets them hang out in the conference
room during my lunch when I normally watch my soap opera. And
they're in there surfing for babes in the 'Academy Players
Directory!' So there you have it, Hollywood worshipping the
amateurs, and dumping the experts. And people wonder why movies
and TV stink!" Well, she had a point, albeit a bitter one.

  I have noticed it's become easier than ever for John Q. Couchpotato
to find out how to break into show business. "Hollywood" is being taught
by everyone who was in, but is now out, to everyone who is out, but
wants to be in. In fact, it's become a vicious cycle:

* Five extinct ex-agents have launched a WEBSITE
(http://www.schmooze@comm) and are dispensing on-line show biz
advice globally for $2.99 for the first minute. Business is

* Two defunct sitcom show runners are critiquing spec "Frasiers"
for $100 a pop. And they're raking it in.

* My neighbor, an Academy Award winning screenwriter, is holding
writing classes in his pool house just to make ends meet. I guest-
lectured one day and asked a student wearing a nipple ring  what          
his qualifications were to enter show biz. "I'm a convicted felon!" he
clucked, without a trace of shame.

 So, even though Hollywood killed off one Oscar winner, he spawned
twelve of these.

 I, too knew someone who was Going Hollywood: TinselTown's Cub
Scout Troop of the rich and famous is having a Yellow Water Rafting
Trip at Raging Waters. My 8 year old nephew Brandon, who had the
misfortune to be born a lowly dentist's son in Northridge, begged me
to use my considerable influence in Hollywood to get him invited.
"Please Aunt Karyl, this is my once-in-a-lifetime chance to pitch my
movie idea to Steven Spielberg's son." I grabbed him by the neckerchief.
"Take my advice kid, don't go into showbiz till you're old enough to know
your multiplication tables; otherwise your business manager will screw
you silly," I said sweetly.
    "Then why'd you come to my school on Career Day and hype the
entire Third grade on 'Sitcom Writing: The Lazy Person's Road To
   Silly question. "Ego trip."
   "Well, I'm not waiting till I'm thirteen and have one foot in the grave, to
direct my first feature."

 I think it's obvious, unless the studios double their output
every year, we of the Hollywood community are mentoring ourselves
right out of our jobs! Therefore, I'm calling for a immediate five-
year Moratorium On Mentoring (MOM). Let's make breaking-into-show
biz a mystery to the average American, like it used to be. Only
those with the smarts and savvy will get in, like we did. And then
Hollywood will be fun again. I also propose, we simultaneously nip
know-nothing-ness in the bud. Starting tomorrow, everyone in show
business must be licensed and required to pass a basic test. One wrong
and you're out for good. And NO cheating!

Who discovered America?
What was the Brill Building?
Who coined the phrase "tits and ass?"
What is a book?
Who was Paddy Chayevsky?
What's the difference between they're and their?
Name one activity a person could do if his TV was broken.
When the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the
six it's _____ o'clock.
Mean spiritedness is funny. (true or false)
Ms. Miller is an Emmy Award winning writer-producer

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